.::m.y.h.a.l.f::.

after almost 4months resting , I'm finally back on track.. =) so many things happened to me in this short period of time..(is it?)..i must say.. things that I've never saw it coming..the events that make me change my point of view of life..making me more stronger and believe that there's gonna be a better future for me ahead..those who knew me well pun,I'm sure they do not  know what I'm talking about..what else if not about my dramatic love life! okay2..so, let me start with the chronology and things happen afterwards...

she came to UK on the 11th of April.. i was so excited, so i bring something dat she likes(i dunno whether she likes it or not..but am pretty sure she likes the design) and waited for her to call..she told me she just arrived in the hotel..i smiled, picturing her with something for me..hehehe..( i love it when she makes surprises, making me want her even more..=) upon arrival, she looks tired and a bit cold, but i thought it was ok..haven't it been she was on the flight for 12 hours..neither did i thought it was a bad sign for us..ignoring that fact,on the other hand i was nagging about my scars that she left me felt hurt..( i thought, I'll be not as smart,charming as she wants me to be...)...aahh..i know, i am being insensitive that time! but, u know, i have always thought, she will leave me someday for another guy..ok, back to the real story..so, then, i just keep her company while she had her meal which was maggi cup tomyam(which was her fav during high school).

at night, after having a dinner at jom makan..i take a walk with her..at that time, i felt like am gonna blurt her everything..n i just did it..but i just cant even cry at the first glance..i was touched but my reaction wasn't(yeah, she came a long way to see me).. i don't know why, but suddenly i got angry at her because she came back after she leave me for so long!.. i know i should be grateful, but i don't know what happened to me, i exploded! ( emotions was controlling me!)and went straight to my room. as usual, she would just keep silent and let me deal with my emotions myself. and after awhile, i felt bad, and apologize to her..( these are actually a norm for us, so i thought it was ok..) so the next day...too long to tell..but its such a wonderful time n memories..

(i thought it was just the normal episode of her going on..so,i don't really give so much attention..) i asked her if we were actually, ok..i told her that we are fine.. so, it cooled her down in some ways maybe(plus she came back to me n admit all her fault).. despite that,she told me the truth...she was selfish at that time..i kinda see it coming n leaving again, so i tried to look ok with it.. she told me, there's a lot of reason she cant be with me..( i don't have to state it here,coz, things are really complicated)..tears were flowing down my cheeks and we say goodbye..( actually,that time, i thought, we would reconcile back, so.. I'm just giving her the time to think it over..pity me!) at that specific moment, i thought, it was only a crack of our 4 months and might somehow heal itself, but after 2 weeks, on the 27 of April 2009,i just knew something  new..and she just can accept it..she used to blame herself...from time to time..every n each conversation..after each hang up....its make me felt so bad.. she told me don't forgive her and just leave her..AGAIN?about us? she promised to me dat she wont never let me go even if i wanted to ..so,  maybe that was the start of my life without her..i was a total mess i must say..i thought  cant make it.. before this..i cried for days to weeks...i skipped my classes, i even wrote so many things on my wall, vowing no to love and other emotional talking..i couldn't bear the thought of living life without her..i cant sleep, i cant even eat...but, at the same i tried looking fine in front of the people around me, but only god knows how painful i was inside..my friends were very helpless in helping me out..(coz they dunno wut really happen) .. i heard so many rumours about her with someone back in Malaysia, and i myself was being alone here..i felt cheated, i felt my trust was betrayed, and i did what i thought was right..but, those were all the emotions acting and talking..and finally, today, we had another conversation to clear the blurry and snowy air, and eventually,  i felt  deep pain letting her go with peace because we are just never meant to be.. so, there's no use of hating her or punishing her.. she had the courage to say the right thing..n i wasn't.

up till now, she don't even know how much effort i put..how much i love her...n how much i regret about my past n my sin...i am muhammad fahmi whose is now his eyes,his mind,n his HEART is only belong to azdamunira..

shahril told me that she left me b'coz i betray her before..she told me dat she was selfish..to whom shud i listen to?god...am shaking rite now..am not as strong as her...give me strength again..

i know i am guilty of making her life misery before..whatever her behaviour..its all my fault...up till now, i can forgive myself for not taking a good care of her...i have tried my best ..n if this is the best way for her...throw her feeling towards me away..so dat she'll b happy for her life..

i can bear of getting left again..not even cross in my mind to leave her..its just my way to see if she really want to hold me tight..

i will try to improve myself (controlling my emotions and not being too sensitive) and being more  independent .. for the record, this is the only girl that changed my life and making me realised in loyalty... and thanks for being a part of my history..

p/s:thanks to you for turning to me..and I'm sorry for some badmouthing and irrational actions....

i still stick to my promise..tho whatever stupid thing people may say about me..that's was in me since I've change..whatever happen...my heart will always be with only girl i mention in this post...i can accept her past like she did..but the picture n sms i got from dat guy really hurt me..sorry, u got a headache b'coz of me.take ur pills..u'll be ok soon..i pray.

l.o.v.e